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Wednesday, 23 June 2010

OK so I won't go into it, but I dreamt about my brother's death last night - three times, since I woke up as if it was from a nightmare and then went back to the dream again. Mostly the dreams involved me walking around London crying and crying. When I woke up, I actually cried as well.

My dreams neither interest me nor affect me usually, but I took the unprecedented step of looking up its meaning. Apparently the death of a loved one in a dream suggests you are lacking a quality the loved one embodies. Asa is very good at making me happy, and when he died I felt I'd lost that.

Simply put, the dream isn't about Asa or my relationship with him at all. It's about the ability to make myself happy. I've seen at least one friend a day since I came to London, but I can't escape a certain sadness. I am the self-sufficient person who woke up one day and realised he was lonely.

I'm going to make this a longer entry, if you're okay with that. Well, anyway, I saw Greenberg today and related to it a lot. In fact I was actually dismayed to see reviewers afterwards describe Greenberg as dislikeable. In fact it felt a lot like they were saying it about me.

Greenberg hurts people, like I do. He finds it hard to listen, and does things like forget which person told him what. He lets people down. He's arrogant, and often unacceptably rude. He's depressive, and has accomplished nothing in his life. But the film never judged him for it.

He is good with animals, like I am. He freaks out, like I do. He is incredibly candid, and terrible with small talk. He has few friends. He has trouble getting over the past. He's half-Jewish and sensitive about it. He makes mixtapes and leaves phone messages to show his true emotions.

Yes, Greenberg is a monster. I am a living person with subtleties and contradictions that no movie character could ever have. But I *know* Greenberg. I recognise the balance between pride and loneliness, and the never-ending struggle to relate to other people.

1 comment:

  1. For many years, I called myself a 'recluse'. I shielded myself from human experience. I didn't want to need anybody: but that's not how we are made, is it?

    You're an unusual person, if this blog is anything to go by, and you don't 'belong' in the 'mainstream'. That's lonely in itself, but worth it, well worth it. Not 'belonging' is lonely, but by God one can be proud of it! It helps to have a 'partner in crime' though. I'm sorry you lost yours, and hope you'll find another.

    There's a little bit of everything in everyone, and your ability to relate to the 'unlikable' Greenberg seems to indicate that you're more empathetic than you give yourself credit for. Perhaps, sometimes, we don't WANT to relate? I can realte to that!

    How I ramble! Thought-provoking post, though. Pardon me if I'm getting hold of the wrong end of the stick!